remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
