not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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