i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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