I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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