Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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