laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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