Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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