I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
