you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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