you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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