Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
