Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
