For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
