Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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