So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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