I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
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i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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