I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
