I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
