Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
