you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
