he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
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Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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