I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
