I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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