; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
