I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
