is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
why do cheetos always look like penises
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
