I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
