don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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