Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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