I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
