If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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