I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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