her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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