she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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