my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
