if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
