we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
