New low: just hacked my moms facebook
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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