Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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