Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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