My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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