i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
