what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
