Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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