4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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