I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
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They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
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Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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