She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
