All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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