mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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