If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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