its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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