got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
