I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
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You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
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like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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