worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
