that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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